Body Positive Boys

When my son Arlo was six-years-old he stood in my doorway sucking his belly in and then letting it relax and pooch over his pants like it normally does, over and over. When I asked him what he was doing he sucked in his belly and told me “this is what cool boys look like” and let his chub fall naturally when relaxing his breath and told me sadly “this is not. Cool boys do not have big bellies that puff over their pants.”

I asked him how he learned that, who told him that. He said “no one, it’s just what I see.”

I told him that was absolutely untrue - that being cool had nothing to do with the size of your body, but the size of your kindness, heart, spirit and brains. I told him that some of the coolest guys I know have really big bellies and bodies, in fact. (I pulled out the best superhero example we know - his father. )

I’ve been lucky enough to be asked to speak in schools and to students of all genders often on positive body image and self-esteem and my work has always spoken to men as well as women and those who don’t fit into the binary and people of all ages and sizes and colors. I know this because they write me and stop me on the street and tell me and I hear often from men who struggle so much with being insecure about their bodies, their choices, their masculinity, their smarts. They’re worried about being perceived as weak and they’re worried about being kind and they’re worried about raising their kids right and uplifting the women in their lives.

This is why this work is life-changing.

This is why I always use gender inclusive tips and language in my public talks because this isn’t something that only affects women.

This is why filling your home and parenting with books, music, art, TV shoes and films with diverse bodies is important.

Representation matters.

I’ve written and spoken and taught about raising body positive kids for over fifteen years now, and while I started with two girls (they are now ages 20 and 16 if you can believe it!), I had little Arlo in a surprise pregnancy ten years ago now. I started as a mommyblogger way back when Blogspot was brand new and have continued writing about my kids as a bit of an (un)expert for the last two decades. I share things I learn and things that I wish I’d known and brutal things and amazing things. It was becoming a mother that made me an activist and especially one who wanted to change the way we thought about bodies for the better, not only for my own children, but for all the children, old and young.

Arlo and I in 2018 with another body positive book for boys, this one mostly for the parents.

I’ve been asked so many times how to raise body positive boys, as most work in the realm of body image surrounds girls and women, mostly because we’ve been the most dangerously affected by beauty standards and diet culture and a constant policing of our bodies for centuries. I’ve shared books we’ve read, concepts I preach continuously, movies and television shows to promote diversity. My go to answer when my Arlo was a baby was that I raise him the same as I raise my girls, with the same concepts about body positivity applying no matter the gender. I still stand by this ten years later. But as my only child who has a larger body, he’s had some situations arise that are new to my parenting arsenal and have been so difficult for me and him to both navigate. Starting in kindergarten he has been harassed (and in one case bullied) for being fat by classmates. We’ve talked about standing up for ourselves, about how all bodies are good bodies and there is no wrong way to have a body. About how being fat is normal and natural and a just fine way to be. I’ve had to repeatedly advocate for weight neutral medical care and over share our healthy eating and exercise habits to more pediatricians than a few times. I’ve had to help my son navigate feelings of insecurity about his body and his self-esteem and his emotions much like his sisters but also differently.

I have so many men who are fans of my work and ideas and have learned and changed and grown in their own ideas of their bodies, but their previously held beliefs about others’ bodies as well. What I had found, however, was a dearth in male body positive activists active on social media as well as books for boys specifically. And ones that are appropriate for pre-teens starting puberty. But I’ve found some! Here’s a list of a few books I picked up from the Boise Public Library a month ago and Arlo has been really enjoying.

Most importantly, these books have sparked important conversations and questions that my son might have otherwise been embarrassed to bring up, especially as he is in the beginning stages of puberty. Everything is wild and changing so quick, from his body to his heart to his emotions. I still don’t know exactly what I’m doing but I’m constantly trying and researching and learning how to best be the mom he needs and provide him with the information he desires and love him.

I shared many of these folks on social media a few years ago when writing about men and body positivity but here’s a short list of favorites if you’d like to add them to your feed, too:

Model + writer Kelvin Davis

Bruce Sturgell and all the men at Chubstr

Writer Kiese Laymon

Registered Dietician Aaron Flores, RD

Model Zach Miko

Poet Michael Kleber-Diggs

Actor Matt McGorry

Nonbinary activist Alok Vaid-Menon

Podcast Man Enough

Illustrator and writer Charlie Mackesy