I’ve been called so many things over the years, some nice and some not so. But my favorites have been how many times folks have compared me to a contemporary Erma Bombeck with erotic charm and also a sexier and fatter Mary Poppins. (I’ve also been told I look like a redwood tree as an insult but I've reclaimed that shit as a forest queen and it is also one of my favorite monikers ever.) For years now my inboxes and social media comments sections have been filled with folks asking me advice on body positivity. I've decided to share some frequently asked questions and some more specific concerns here as a sort of Ask Amy advice column because I know they might help others, too. I try to keep them short and sweet and often direct them to other places in my work or others’ that might help.
Dear Amy,
I'm curious what you should say when people call themselves fat as a put down to themselves? I have a friend who constantly berates herself for gaining weight and being fat. I don’t know what to say when she does this.
Dear Fat Friendly,
My favorites include "your weight does not define your worth" and "you are so much more than a number on a scale." I think it's important to dismantle the notion that fat=bad but that's a much deeper thing that has to happen on a personal level so these comments are easy and nonthreatening, I think. To help get her a bit further along on the journey, please direct her to my work!
Self-portrait at the 1907 Idaho Industrial Institute in Weiser, Idaho
Me speaking as part of the Real People, Real Stories lecture series at the Weiser Public Library featuring one of my slides, October 2021, photo by LivingInTheNews.com
Dear Amy,
Do you have some suggestions of things to say if someone comments on your weight in what they think is a positive manner like, "you look great! Have you lost weight?"
Dear Looking For A Better Response,
Yes! I often choose the lighthearted and true response, "I have no idea, I don't weigh myself. Must be my happiness glow." Or "Nope, still fat and happy!" Sometimes I just sit there silently looking at them for a few seconds and then respond by asking them a non-appearance related question, like "how's work?" or "any fun summer vacation plans?" They get the hint.
Me speaking as part of the Real People, Real Stories lecture series at the Weiser Public Library, October 2021, photo by LivingInTheNews.com
Dear Amy,
Now that my friend is engaged to be married she wants to lose weight. How can I support what she wants as her friend but not make her feel pressured to lose weight? I think it's great that people want to try to be healthier with diet and exercise but I don't want her to feel that she needs to based on what culture is telling her is "healthy." Thanks in advance.
Dear Want to Be a Good Body Positive Friend,
Share with her the books Intuitive Eating and Health At Every Size. She may reject them, because honestly people who are devoted to diet culture are often not ready to let go of it and have to come to terms on their own time, but it could be worth a shot. Also, there are lots of blogs and articles about brides ditching dieting and focusing on happiness that might be helpful to share. Lindy West wrote a great one.
In October I was asked to model for a Renaissance themed boudoir shoot for another woman named Cheyenne who is a photographer and small business owner.
Me speaking as part of the Real People, Real Stories lecture series at the Weiser Public Library, October 2021, photo by LivingInTheNews.com
Dear Amy,
Do you really mind the super sexual comments you get on your photos, though? I can see why posting a mean comment is totally irrational (if you don't like someone's body don't look at it), but the sexual comments kinda come with the territory of being nude on the internet, no?
Dear Male Fan,
I don't mind general appreciation for my work or nude body, but, yes, overtly sexual and crass comments do bother me. As do the unsolicited dick pics and the like that often accompany them. There is a long history of men especially thinking women are "asking for it" or "deserve it" for living life in their bodies, on the internet or otherwise. To me it's the same bullshit and dangerous argument that a woman shouldn't have worn a short skirt if she didn't want to be raped. Nudity is not inherently sexual. I can't control how people perceive my content. My work is not catering to the male gaze - it is in fact subverting it in what I and others call creating the female gaze. It's fine if men are attracted to me or want to have sex with me, even (I'm here for busting the myth that fat women aren't sexy, desired, and sexual creatures) but they need to be respectful enough to keep it to themselves. This is very clearly not a dating app or a hook up site. These types of unsolicited actions/comments are at the root of a very problematic part of our rape culture/bullying culture, which as a fat feminist activist I'm trying to change with my work, and social media is a powerful tool to do so.
***This male fan didn't like this response and mansplained to me that there is no such thing as rape culture or toxic masculinity but a bunch of immature female "snowflakes" and got his ass banned from my page.
I was recently asked to model some handmade bralettes and corsets by a young crochet artist here in Boise named Kierstyn of More Than Cotton. Here’s to celebrating women’s work, and also to more fat, fierce, 46-year-old models because I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: representation matters. And so do beautiful handcrafted things.
Me speaking as part of the Real People, Real Stories lecture series at the Weiser Public Library, October 2021, photo by LivingInTheNews.com
Dear Amy,
I'd love your input on some questions and comments I am getting from my daughter. I have purchased some if not all of the books you have recommended on your page but a theme regularly from her is commenting on her own body and comments she's hearing from girls at school. She's 5-years-old. I put in so much work at home and it seems to not combat the things said at school. Ah!
Dear Warrior Mom,
There is no way to completely shield your child from body image issues, unfortunately, but only teach them how to handle outside sources when they do feel shame. They can only control their own response to them. I try to give all my kids the tools so that they are equipped to think critically and react appropriately when these things come up. It often means repeating the same thing a gazillion times. In our house it is "all bodies are good bodies and there is no wrong way to have a body." Good luck!
I was recently asked to model some handmade bralettes and corsets by a young crochet artist here in Boise named Kierstyn of More Than Cotton. Here’s to celebrating women’s work, and also to more fat, fierce, 46-year-old models because I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: representation matters. And so do beautiful handcrafted things.
Me speaking as part of the Real People, Real Stories lecture series at the Weiser Public Library, slide featuring some of my past art and activism projects, October 2021, photo by LivingInTheNews.com
Dear Amy,
Today I had a bummer experience when I took my son into his well-check at his pediatrician's office. Our pediatrician told him that his BMI was "scary" and that he needed to eat fruit when he wanted a snack instead of "crackers and all of the other yummy things." He said my son should ask my permission before he ate anything, and that's what he did growing up. And then he finished it all off by saying mindless eating is why adults are fat. I decided to find a new pediatrician and I emailed the hospital to tell them about this fatphobic asshole, but I'm still so bummed out. I guess I just wanted to hear a little body positive goodness from you to lift my spirits.
Dear Mama,
Oh, yikes. This is so unfortunate and unnecessary. Good for your for writing to them and changing doctors. I’ve had some negative experience with my kids pediatrician, too, so arming yourself with language next time might be beneficial. Or even talking to the doctor alone in the hall before they enter the room with your child to let them know that you do not want them to discuss weight, BMI or diet with your child in the appointment. In my experience they may not respect this request, though. Or you can always wait and see how they do in the appointment and on the spot if they try the same BS or something similar in front of your child say, “in our house we don’t believe BMI defines our health or that any foods are bad foods. We like to move our bodies in this way (insert whatever physical activity your child enjoys) and eat a wide variety of foods. We aren’t concerned about that. We are concerned about (insert something you may be there for like headaches/constipation/hearing/etc or nothing).” Good for you, Mama, and I know how hard and heartbreaking this is. I hope you’ve also since talked with your child about these things and how sometimes doctors get it wrong.